Thank you so much.
My everyday blog is: roxannewright.tumblr.com
I have always been a terrible speller. In part because I never learned spelling rules and in part because the English Language barely makes sense when it is written out.
On Friday my classroom teacher suggested I take on spelling for monday. I am teaching the difference between “ou” and “ow”.
To say that I am freaked out by this task is an understatement. I honestly do not know if I can do this. The only way I ever survived school was because of spell check.
Please send positive vibes tomorrow because I am going to need them in order to survive tomorrow!
So life has been pretty hard recently. I am completely overwhelmed with full time student teaching, three courses, and trying to pass three state teaching exams in order to graduate in May.
I honestly do not feel like I can get it all done. My body has been continuously breaking down, first the flu and now I have strep throat and an ear infection, and my mental health is really suffering. I have struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts/attempts in the past and these issues are coming up on a daily basis now due to all of the stress.
The thing is I just really need a break and there is honestly NO time for one. I have not had an actual break in over two years. Not even a week off to just recouperate.
I’m just burnt out.
I love my classroom and being there everyday, but the amount of pressure I am under while there is wicked intense. I am working with an amazing teacher who has only worked with graduate students before, therefore she expects way more from then I am capable of doing. She has major influence in the community I ideally want to teach in, therefore I need to impress her if I hope to get a recommendation from her. It pretty much is like I am in a semester long job interview, with a potential boss who is unsure of my qualifications.
Plus I am in the classroom everyday from 7am-5pm. When I finally leave for the day I have night classes to attend along with all of the homework that goes along with them. That is not even counting the daily lesson plans I have to create for my student teaching. It is just overwhelming.
Then I have my teaching exams, MTEL’s, to study for and take. These exams are extraordinarily difficult to pass and require an immense amount of studying in order to pass. The reality is I have no time to study for them, let alone take them.
I have talked to my colleges academic support contact, as well my own therapist, and they both agree that I should cut back on the academics and graduate in August rather then May, in order to maintain my mental health. The thing is that screws up all of my future plans. I will not be able to apply for teaching jobs, let alone graduate schools, if I do not have my degree in May.
The fact that I have been sick is also screwing everything up. I have been on and off bed ridden due to illness for the past three weeks, causing the little time I have to do homework to be spent sleeping or miserably ill. Thus I am extraordinarily behind in school, with little hope in catching up.
So….I’m screwed. I know that the best choice for me would be to cut back on my teaching exams and take an incomplete in one of my courses in hopes of finishing it all up in the summer, but I am struggling to really feel comfortable with that reality. I have never been a person to fail or give up. I always freak out during finals and I always fall behind in school, but it always turns out okay. I always make honor roll and I always make my parents proud. This time, it does not look like that is going to happen. The fact that I am recognizing that early in the semester is my first clue. I have never fallen this behind before so early in the semester.
Then comes in the parent component to all of this. My family history is pretty rocky. An example of how rocky can be seen from the end of last year when my parents told me I would no longer be welcomed in their home during finals week. Thus leaving me homeless. Luckily my college helped me with housing in return for paying quite a fee. I ended up spending my summer working three jobs and only came out with a small amount of cash after housing, gas, and food. Since this summer my parents and I have somewhat rekindled a relationship. They let me stay their over winter break and they have agreed to help me pay for my last year of college as long as I finished this spring. I hesitantly mentioned to them that I may have to finish over the summer and their response was: “absolutely not!”
I just do not know what to do anymore. Part of me feels like I should just deal with it and make it work, but the other part of me is saying that I am setting myself up for both a failure and a massive breakdown if I continue to push myself this hard.
I guess I will just have to figure it all out.
If any of you bothered to read this I really appreciate it. I know it can be difficult hearing about other peoples problems when we all have our own to worry about.